The Weight of Goodbye

Today one of my closest cousins made a move across the country to New York. It's monumental because she's been wanting to move there for so long and this was much anticipated. She was raised as the youngest child and a lot of the time her choices in school and college were predetermined for her based on where/what her older sister and I went/did. This move [I feel] is something that is truly hers- something that she aspired to and made a reality on her own and  I couldn't be more proud. Since I heard the news of her moving, I was euphoric. I'm so excited about the amazing adventures she'll have and people she'll meet. Most importantly, I'm so excited about her paving her own way for herself and starting this bright and shiny chapter in life.

It wasn't until last night at a family dinner did I realize the heaviness of the situation. Sure, we both are busy and we hardly see each other as it is but New York didn't seem that far until last night. The reality of goodbye and her looming absence did not feel real up until that moment and I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness and worry. Sadness because I won't see her as often and worry because I can't go to her on a moment's notice should she feel sad or need me for any reason. Usually goodbyes don't freak me out especially if it concerns someone I see myself being close to for life. Sure, I won't see them as much, but if I'm confident in our bond, I know that we will always find one another despite the different paths in life we choose to take. It's only natural to fly the coop and yearn for independence. I'm all for it. 

It's when the goodbye begins to feel real and I lose the comfort of having someone dear to me within my grasp that the sadness creeps up on me. A concept that was so abstract in the beginning is now staring me in the face and I have to let go. And it hurts. The sadness isn't bitter or jealousy. I guess it's a bit of selfishness because I enjoy her company so much and also a bit of reluctance towards the change. 

It's strange how goodbyes don't feel real sometimes until the actual moment where people part ways or the following weeks where the absence of the person feels most apparent. I know I'll get over it because I'm still really excited for her, but I also know that things will be different. She will be different the next time we meet and so will I. 

But I've always been a believer that change is good. Change is inevitable. Change is a reminder that we are growing and pushing out of our comfort zones and it can be a thrilling adrenaline rush. Change reminds me how fortunate I am and how important it is to adapt. It's been awhile since I was sad about goodbye, and I've come to accept that being sad is okay. 

In an effort, though, to be positive to change, I want to toast to life, and how goodbyes most often lead to new beginnings. Cheers to NYC, Jen. I'll miss you. 

xoxo